The Mad Olive: A Men's Guide to Getting Social and Drink Hustling

It has been brought to the attention by many female colleagues that men can be totally creepy.  Look dudes, just because she kindly gave you her number, doesn’t mean she wants 53 calls over the weekend.  Your probably not even high enough on the social ladder to deserve a Friday or Saturday night.  We got your remedy…

The Mad Olive constructed 10 ways on How To Not Be Creepy:

1.   Style 101

Your style speaks for yourself.  Think of it as a resume.  If you have a shitty resume, more than likely your a creeper.  Don’t shoot your load from the start.  Dress nice, get some style.  Pick up the latest GQ, Mens Health, or ask a gay dude.

Seriously, what chick really wants approached by some schlep rock?

2.   Are you staring at my chest?

The art of the glance.  Many attempt, most fail.

Yes, women love to show their breasts off.  This makes staring difficult.  They are like two tractor beams causing everyone with a penis to be sucked in.  Dont give in to the power of tittays!

When you stare at a woman, it should be no longer than 3-4 seconds.  Mainly to gain awareness of your surroundings.  Then to gauge if its worth your time to approach.  Remember, women are very aware of their surroundings, you must be subtle.  Make a quick glance and get out.  DO NOT GET CAUGHT STARING.  Otherwise you become the ultimate creeper.  Damage control is not fun.

3.   Mall/Bar Stalking

This one is just downright creepy.  Almost primitive urban form of stalking.  If you see a woman in a department store, bar, grocery store, etc.  Do not shadow her.  This is called stalking and that’s fucking creepy.

There is a correct way to stalk:

• Did she see you?

If yes, than you need to introduce yourself or bail.

If no, you can follow her to one more location.  More than likely she saw you, and you missed it.  If you make it look like you “randomly” bumped into her again, great.  If you lurk behind another clothes rack with your pants down…fucking creepy.

4.   Nice to meet you

You finally got the balls to say hello, congrats.  Please do not use lines.  Lines are for another post:  How to Be Creepy 101.

Open with a conversational piece.  Ask her opinion on something.  “Hi, real quick question…How do you feel about my new shoes?”  Then follow with an introduction.

Do not introduce yourself with a quiz.  “So, do you like this place?”  This gives her the option to say yes or no. Bad news, your already sinking into creepy territory.  Follow that with another, “Do you come here often?”

WARNING:  Code fucking red…your setting up for disaster.  Ask something interesting, get her opinion which forces her to talk.  It’s not 20 questions…     

5.   Can I buy you a drink?

Have you ever heard of roofies?  Yes, they can be awesome when used in the right context…but against someones will, that’s just sick.

When you buy a woman a drink, do it in front of her.  They need to visibly see the bartender make the drink.  They are lots of creepers out there, and woman are concerned for their safety.

Dont lead a woman to believe for any second your trying to roofie her.  You will hit ultimate creepy status, and maybe tarred and feathered.

6.   Let me get yo number

Assuming you have talked to her for at least 10 minutes, than you can ask for her digits.  Walking up, buying her a drink, and then asking for her phone number is creepy rookie shit.  Talk, engage, find out her favorite color, any fucking thing that conveys interest in her.  Work on making a connection and she will give you her number without asking.

7.   CALL HER!

You got the digits, holy shit we are impressed!  HURRY, RUN, CALL HER!

There is a rule of silence you must understand.  Generally, the rule is to wait 3 days until calling a woman.  Generally, that’s pathetic.  Send her a text the same night, call her in 1-2 days to set up plans.  Waiting 3 days is shooting yourself in the foot.  If you left a great impression, don’t let the fire die.  Its not creepy to call her the next day, its creepy to call her 28 times the next day.

8.   Lets bust hangs

After calling the girl, you need to set up someplace to meet.  If you’ve only met her once, all the below are creepy:

• Your apartment
• Your parents house
• Remote areas
• Remote areas at night
• Porn Shops

Generally, meet in a public place.  Where OTHER people will be.  Remember she is vulnerable meeting up with you alone.  We also suggest meeting and not picking her up.  If she has her own car, she has an exit.  If you get balls creepy within 30 minutes, she can high-tail it out of there.

If anything, have her bring a friend and meet up with you and some buddies.  This is the ultimate situation, and the least creepy.

9.   I got you a SURPRISE!

If you EVER buy women flowers upon meeting them once, we will personally come by your house with Uzi’s.  That’s right, Uzi’s…

This may be the ultimately Creepster move.  Yes, women love flowers.  No, they do not want them after randomly meeting your drunk ass at Club 15.

You are conveying too much need, and lack of knowledge about how the game works.  Buy her a drink, MAYBE dinner, not flowers…

10.   FaceBook Stalking

This is the final point we need to touch on…

You met a girl, never got her number, but found her on Facebook.  Good job, your starting to hit Creepiness level 8.

Next, you write something on her wall that is semi-obscene and obvious your Facebook Stalking.  Level 10 has been conquered, ULTIMATE Creepy Level.

Think of Facebook as a text message.  PM the girl telling her you had a good time, and never got her digits.  Than ask for them, the worst she can say is no.  If she refuses to give up her number, you missed the chance.  Get the hint, move on.

But if that’s not enough…you have one last shot.  You are allowed 1 response, and make it witty!  If you still fail, walk.

DO not continue to send her messages, its her loss anyways.  Last thing you want is your creepiness to show up on Emails From Crazy People.

Have any tips on how to not be creepy?  Leave a comment a-hole!

Tags: can I call you 1000 times, Creepy, dating, facebook stalking, funny, how to, Humor, tips

This entry was posted on Sunday, October 11th, 2009 at 2:21 pm and is filed under Tips and Tricks. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.