Santa is a cowboy, and cowboys don’t drink fucking milk.
Every year we shove milk down the poor guys throat, have you ever seen Jackass? Down a gallon of milk and your blowing chunks like Garth from Wayne’s World.
Don’t you think the big guy enjoys himself a cocktail? I would feel much better flying around the world if I could slam whiskey at each house.
Below are the top 5 drinks you should serve Santa this Christmas:
1. Bourbon Anyone?
Yes, whiskey. It’s December, and it’s real fucking cold. Last time I checked, milk is disgusting served warm. And nothing warms the soul like whiskey.
This Christmas, leave the big guy some bourbon. He will appreciate it when he’s freezing his ass off delivering presents in Nova Scotia.
2. Crushing Jager Bombs
You try flying around the world in one night without caffeine OR booze! Feed the jolly bastard Red Bull. Nothing is worse than a Santa who falls asleep on the job.
3. Sailor Jerry’s with a splash of Eggnog
In light of the holiday spirit, feed Ole’ St. Nick some spiked eggnog. Sailor Jerry’s is cheap, bold, and kicks you in the face.
Don’t be surprised if you find Santa climbing down the chimney and in bed with your wife after a couple of these…
4. Airplane Bottles TO GO!
Nothing makes you feel better around the holidays than giving back. Santa goes through all the trouble to leave you gifts, why shouldn’t you give back?
Leave him a variety of airplane bottles…think of them as “to-go” drinks. This will ensure he stays warm all throughout the night. Nothing like waiting up for Santa only to find him urinating on the Douglas Fir.
5. Malt Liquor…Works Every time!
Let’s be honest, Santa still has to deliver gifts to the hood. No ghetto would be complete without Malt Liquor. Leave him a 4-pack of Colt 45 and a box of Black and Milds this year.
If you can’t afford the malt liquor than leave him strawberry milk…because lets be honest, nobody drinks white milk in the hood.
What else are some delicious holiday drinks for Santa? Leave your comments below!
Tags: christmas, drinking, drunk santa, santa, whiskey
To steal a quote from ‘Family Guy’ : “The broken capillaries in your nose bely your wisdom.” And Santa’s got ‘em. He has the nose of a man who’s been sucker punched by that dark liquor.
I’d probably leave Santa with the leftover bottle of absinthe my brother has, and maybe he’ll leave me a diamond encrusted unicorn. Fair trade.
Have you actually tried Absinthe? It taste like Sambuca threw up on Jager.
But in return for a diamond unicorn, its probably worth it…
Nope, I’ve never got all cuhrazy on some absinthe. Hallucinations and all that? Not my thing.
But if you’re saying that I should drink it with the promise of that unicorn, then, I will.